The Cat’s Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
And sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back,
For windowsills all warm and bright,
For shadows to explore at night.
I pray I’ll always stay real cool
And keep the secret feline rule
To never tell a human that
The world is really ruled by cats!
The Cat Came Back has been newly recorded by Ryan Seacat and The Muddy Bottom Tom Cat Stompers. Ryan discovered The Stompers on a recent trip to Louisiana where he was tracing his family’s roots. Said Ryan, “I always felt an affinity for southern food and my favorite movie was Deliverance, so it comes as no surprise to discover I have roots in the south.”
The Muddy Bottom Tom Cat Stompers have long been a staple of the music scene in Louisiana. When asked to define their music they said it was difficult to CATegorize! But their influences include Bluegrass, Catgrass, Catnip and Country!
Check out The Cat Came Back here:
The Muddy Bottom Tom Cat Stompers are – Ginger Tom Baker – Drums, Paul McCatney – Bass, Plucky Paws – Banjo, Charlize Daniels – Fiddle and Ryan Seacat vocals.
The Cat Came Back is the first of 12 songs to be recorded for the new album. Asked if he was planning on touring to support the new album Ryan Seacat said, “I would love to tour with this group. We would like to play small clubs across the country but my manager wants to book larger venues, possibly as an opening act for Katy Perry or Beyonce! I know Katy is a cat lover and I’m sure Beyonce would love me.”
Spokesmen for Katy Perry and Beyonce have so far not commented.
Other acts that have been mentioned are the Rolling Stones, Elton John, Miley Cyrus, and Andrea Bocelli . Ryan added, “It’s too early at this point to make a final decision, but I would like to play in Times Square on New Years Eve. And although I haven’t met the Pope, I’m sure he would like us to play the half time show during his Christmas Message at The Vatican. Imagine the ratings we could bring him for that show!”
A spokesman for the Pope was unavailable for comment!
Genesis According to the Cat
A new reading of the Dead Sea Scrolls has found a new version of the Book of Genesis
And Adam said, “Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.”
And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.”
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, “But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”
And God said, “No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And DOG was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam’s guardian angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. DOG has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility.”
And the Lord said, “No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration.”
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And CAT would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into CAT’s eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved…
And CAT didn’t care one way or the other!
Cats Vs Men – A Comparison
2 Back hair on cats is cute.
3 It is legal in all states to neuter a cat.
4 Cats comfort you when you are sick.
5 When a cat sleeps all day it’s natural, not annoying.
6 Unlike a man, a cat can fend for itself.
7 A cat is loyal.
8 Cats actually think with their heads.
9 “Meow” is never a lie.
10 They’ll both stand outside your door and whine, but the cat will stop when it gets in.
11 It’s more amusing to watch a cat try and deal with a piece of tape stuck on its paw than to watch a man do anything.
12 To buy a fancy dinner for a cat only costs 35 cents.
13 A cat’s friend is less likely to be annoying.
14 Cats can’t show love without meaning it.
15 Cats are always cute.
16 The only thing a cat expects you to “put out” is food, water, and a clean litter box.
17 Cats know how we feel. They don’t care, but they know
You took the cat to the vet and she prescribed a course of cat medication to be taken twice a day. The cat may not agree with the diagnosis or the prescription!
If you are very brave you are welcome to try the following – however The Cat Mag accepts no responsibility for any injuries or damage caused to people or property!
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop cat medication into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop cat medication down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check the label to make sure cat medication is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13. Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, pry cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a pint of water down throat to wash cat medication down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table. Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
She recently arrived at our offices and explained that because of a recent scandal, that she didn’t wish to discuss, she finds herself temporarily homeless and penniless.
After long, arduous negotiations she has agreed to come on board as a reviewer.
Look for her column starting with the premier edition of The Cat Mag.
Dame Olivia is also available for debutante balls, cocktails and any society function that needs an added touch of class!